Yes. Dumb shit. You put a title there. So this is tumblr? I’ve never been on this side of the post. From my limited experience of tumblr I understand it is this gang bang of blogs/memes/pictures/kids saying they would kill themselves if they didn’t subscribe to Shane Dawson/ and porn. And not just any porn. I’m talking black and white classy porn. The stuff where you need to wear a monocle and top hat while you vigorously stroke yourself until you black out and when awoken from your slumber you find your rare collection of Tunisian Dinar glued to your cat with your own semen. Not that the collection was worth much but the sentimental value is irreplaceable. Plus it will take hours to get that amount of semen out of your cat’s fur. It hasn’t been able to poop in its little box for weeks because of the incident. You douche whistle. I recently posted on twitter (http://www.twitter.com/derdeutschbag follow me or whatever) that if “douche whistle” hadn’t already been claimed I am planting my flag and claiming it for myself. I’m posting this on here as well because I fucking want “douche whistle” in my personal vocabulary and if twitter can’t be used for coining words then tumblr will have to pick up the slack. Lazy ass twitter.

I don’t get twitter or its significance. Great fucking idea. “I’ll create website like facebook but I’ll get rid of all the interesting stuff and just keep the statuses.” Twitter is making me hate myself. I have a large ego that cannot be contained by 140 characters. That’s not what I hate about myself though. It’s trying to fit my perfectly worded, borderline autistic joke into 140 characters. Abbreviating “be” to “b” or “for” into “4” makes me no better than a 12 year old girl with moist underwear in 1998 talking dirty on AIM to a boy she only kinda likes but not like likes. Fucking bitch is a cock tease.

This will be on the Internet, in some form, forever. The concept terrified me at first. Then I got used to it. Yesterday I was looking for internships in marketing when I came across a posting from an Integrated Marketing Specialist (Bullshit term meaning they manage facebook, twitter, websites, etc. for companies.) Part of the application said I needed to disclose all youtube, twitter, linkedin, tumblr, and blog accounts that I maintain. So there are basically two ways to go about this. 1. I can own up to my online life and show how fucking awesome I am but also show them that at one point I said “Anybody who leaves shopping carts anywhere but their designated place will be given blankets covered in small pox” and I once viciously humped the shit out of my fan. or 2. Say I don’t use those services and be less qualified for the position. I think one of my motivations for writing this post was that any future employers could further judge my morals. Tell me future employers reading this post: Don’t you find it interesting that I ran for President of the United States at the age of 20 on a platform of Clothing Optional? I dare say that should make me partner at your firm by now.

I hate the design of my tumblr. I had to pick one and the only one I remotely liked was chosen by Mitch of http://chevydouchebag.tumblr.com (car guy) and I would rather glue Roger Ebert’s pubes to my face and call myself MIGHTY THOR and smash a retirement facility with a hammer than copy Mitch. So for now I will be using this ripped paper design because anyone who knows me deep down knows ripped paper gives me the rumblies down in muh loins. I’m talking boners here people. Try to follow.

I’m writing this on a work computer which inherently is a poor decision. But seeing as I work with a girl so foul in character that her hair was probably used to kindle the ovens at Auschwitz, this is my only escape. I usually distance myself from stuck up, entitled bitches but now I’ve been trapped in an office with a girl whose ego has such a gravitational pull that it could churn butter for Amish children half way across the Continent.

Bitch.

Hugs and Kisses,

Ryan