I would say I have 4 close friends (wow, you contradict the fucking title in the first sentence asshat). My parents seem concerned that I don’t socialize, spend most of my time on the computer, and generally hate most people. I wasn’t always like this. At one point I had plenty of friends. This was the glorious time in my life called middle school. I know. Who the fuck liked middle school. I did. And then I moved away from all my friends and became the cynical anti-social asshole you all know and love today. Nothing changed in high school as I spent many a day openly mocking the cliques at my school. I graduated and don’t talk to a single person from that school. Life is good. That brings me to the present adventure of college.

I’m in my third year and I don’t get it.

People have this grand idea of college as a good fucking time where you meet people from all over the country then graduate and see them once a year on a Christmas card with a news letter telling you how their wonderful little shit of an offspring dropped out of high school to be in a band because they are too smart for standardized tests. No. Little Johnny is clinically retarded if he can’t graduate high school. Shut the fuck up. I don’t know where this amazing college is where you have fun, drink too much, finger girls on a pool table, and poop on the 50 yard line of the cross town rival’s football field but I’m certainly not attending it. College fucking sucks. It’s hard, expensive, and it sucks. Out of 30,000 students I’ve managed to find two people that I enjoy being around. But what makes everyone so undesirable? Lets breakdown the 5 people who go to my school.

1. The High School Jock

This creatine fueled mutant still wears his letterman jacket from high school in hopes that it still makes him cool. He wasn’t good enough to get a scholarship but he is totally going to walk onto the team because he knows someone who knows the coach. He takes all general education classes and probably a fucking bowling class to pass the time. His long distance relationship is totally going to work as he sends multiple girls from his creative writing class pictures of his dick as the love of his life goes down on 4 black dudes a week 500 miles away. His day consists of masturbating, Xbox, smoking weed, masturbating, and eating his weight in tater tots at the dining hall. His total disregard for his own health made him a prime candidate for the Freshman 15 going on 50. He will probably drop out at the end of his first year and work as a salesman at his dad’s dealership. Still masturbating and smoking weed on his break, hoping that the itch on his crotch is just his out of control pubes and not the crabs from that fat chick he “fucked for charity reasons” last week.

2. The returned Missionary

This one is something near and dear to my heart. I go to the University of Utah in the good ‘ol heart of conservative Mormon-ville with lots of good ‘ol Mormon boys. The goal of a good ‘ol Mormon boy is to go on his church mission at the age of 19, spend two years in some God forsaken land teaching the locals that Jesus died, rose again 3 days later, ascended to heaven, then took a hard left to America to teach the migrating Jews about Christianity. After the mission they return home with a fluency in a foreign language and are ready to mate. All those years of pent up, non masturbating sexuality are ready to burst on the first moderately attractive female (I can’t specify female strongly enough) who will agree to go on more than 3 dates with him. After a 3-6 month courtship he is married and back in school. If he couldn’t quite make the cut at Brigham Young University (all Mormon private college) he will have to settle for “The Devil School” in Salt Lake known as The University of Utah. He is a Freshman. At the age of 21. Married. And probably looking to have kids within the year (assuming he has had sex sometime between now and his honeymoon at Disneyland). This person is about 90% of the people in my classes. I don’t think I need to elaborate on why this kid and I are not going to be friends, but just incase let me give you a sample conversation. “Hey man what year did you graduate?” “Oh, in ‘07. Probably 2 years before you. I was on a mission.” “Sick shit dude. You wanna hang out later?” “Sorry, its scrabble night with my wife. We are going to watch Grey’s Anatomy.” “That’s really fucking exciting. Glad to see you are 21 and live like a 60 year old. Except 60 year olds probably get laid more. Nice to meet you. Bye.”          Fin 

3. The Dumb Bitch

This girl gives college a bad name. And you thought being accepted into college was going to be difficult. With already low standards like a 2.0 GPA and a 16 on the ACT to be accepted, you are still somewhat impressed that she was able to achieve those marks. She thinks Jesus invented Catholicism in the dark ages and you are pretty sure she just said she is on a Play-Doh diet. You are afraid that if you make eye contact with her that your parents will stop loving you. Her complete lack of common sense makes you want to gouge out your eyes with a spork and pour lighter fluid down your eye sockets so you can light your head on fire from the inside. Oh look, the professor is handing back the assignments. THA FUCK! SHE GOT AN A!? I guess blow jobs are worth 50 points now. Better swallow big boy. Spitters are quitters.

4. The Art/English Major

You met this pretentious fuck in your General Ed diversity class. Walking to your building from the parking lot you see their Subaru with the Ron Paul ‘08 sticker on it (although you are pretty sure they have no idea what Ron Paul stands for). Besides dressing like a homeless gay cowboy and smelling like Bob Marley’s crotch you think they might be cool. Wrong. You, being a responsible adult, decided to major in something like Business, Engineering, Law, or Med. Basically something where you can find some sort of job after graduation and be a productive member of society. This person is going to fill the world with beauty and thought provoking literature. Long ago some Elementary school teach said their finger paintings were the tits and that inflated their ego enough to consider painting as a career. Years of listening to emo shit like The Used and Dashboard Confessional made them think they are deep and emotional even though they are just some depressed middle class douche bag with with a razor blade thinking life is pain. They maintain a blog on tumblr (because its underground) that you check out but aside from the one or two Haikus that went something along the lines of “Hey there butterfly/ Why are you flying away?/ Just like my father” (the butterfly and your dad left for the same reason. You’re a prick) its just a bunch of reblogs of black and white photos with some faux deep soul shit like “I wouldn’t dream of breathing without you”. But they are convinced that the first draft of their novel is going to be the next Great Gatsby and kids all around the world will study it in high school to unlock the deep symbolism. You don’t see them again until 2 years after graduation when they serve you your English Toffee Frappucchino at Starbucks while you read some relevant publication. They say the publishers in this country don’t understand true art. Apparently this blowhard doesn’t either. And this Frap tastes like shit.

5. The Asian

Holy shit. This kid is straight off the fucking boat and is dead set on fucking up your curve. You can’t believe the work ethic of this kid. He has to have an A. What? He got an A-. Uh oh. Make sure all the stairs to the roof of the engineering building are blocked. I actually had this kid as a roommate my Freshman year. He left a note on my door before I moved in saying “Hello Ryan. My name is Zhang Zhao but you can call me Roger. Have a nice day.” I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t. He wanted me to call him Roger. He introduced me to his other study abroad friends from China deceptively named Buck, Johnny, Ian, and Jane. He didn’t know what a fortune cookie was and then we went back to the room. He asked me what “what’s up?” meant and also asked what the word was for the bag that carried his clothes on the flight. I told him “what’s up” is a normal greeting and the bag was called a suitcase. For the rest of the fucking semester I would come into my room and he would shake my hand and say “WHAT’S UP SUITCASE!!?”. Nice guy. Got all A’s so he didn’t have to drink the Kool-Aid.

With these 5 people occupying practically all the seats in my 100 seat lecture hall, how can I be expected to socialize? Maybe I just have too high of standards when it comes to friends. Maybe people are intimidated by my no nonsense attitude and zero tolerance for bullshit. Maybe I’m just the perfect person and people are intimidated by that.

Or maybe I’m just a colossal arrogant douche bag.

Yeah. Probably that.