High Five: While walking through the parking garage at my work, I was worried that I had left my work keys at home. A quick check of the pantaloons proved me wrong as I had remembered my keys. I said aloud, “Awesome job past Ryan!” and gave myself a high-five. After realizing how fucking retarded I looked, I made a quick glance around to see if anybody saw it. 3 people did. And they laughed. And those 3 people can fuck off. Because I’m awesome.

Super Bowl: This past Sunday was of course the American Football Super Bowl: An awesome spectacle of physical strength, psychotic fans, poor sportsmanship, talking baby commercials, and Madonna’s creepy ass arms. Overall, a big meh on my behalf. I’m not a huge football fan but I still enjoy the game. This year I noticed that I hate people even more than usual. Specifically, the people on my Facebook and Twitter who whine and bitch about every fucking play of the game (You aren’t a sportscaster and nobody gives a fuck about what you think), the people who say “go team commercials” (fuck off, commercials aren’t even a team dipshit), and finally the people who think they are so cool because they aren’t watching the game (big fucking deal. I don’t watch the Oscars or Westminster Dog Show but unlike you I don’t need to vocalize how I’m the bee’s fucking knees because I didn’t watch it).

Super Bowl Halftime Show: Blah blah blah Madonna sucks blah blah blah. Here’s the thing. At least she sounded like Madonna. I’m sure Madonna fans loved it. I don’t like Madonna, but I can at least respect that she sounded the way she is supposed to. ANYTHING is better than last year’s show with The Black Eyed Peas. Those fuckers suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked. And fucking Fergie looked like a cross between Kirstie Alley and an American Gladiator. Fuck that noise. I just wish the Super Bowl had a nut sack and brought in someone like The Black Keys. The biggest problem I had with the half time show was M.I.A giving the finger in the middle of the performance. I’m not offended by it in the least. If anything, the reaction everyone had to it is fucking retarded. I give the finger several times a day. Oh, I’m sorry. You think it’s not appropriate for a child to see? Fuck you. I’ll fly out to your house, flip off your child then kick them in the shins if that offends you. My problem is that M.I.A isn’t nearly relevant enough to even perform in the half time show, let alone perform a publicity stunt like that. She knew what she was doing, but unless we see a nipple, nobody in America gives a fuck. Big fucking deal. You flipped off the camera. It doesn’t affect me unless you’re flashing an oddly shaped areola or tearing up a picture of the pope (both things give me a MASSIVE erection).

Orrin Hatch: My Senator Orrin Hatch is an embarrassment to human kind and common sense. He should be taken out of office immediately. Also pretty sure he died 3 years ago and what is going on now is desecration of a corpse.

Polygamist or Hipster: I was stopped at a stop light (that sounded weird to me) and saw a woman (an assumption on my part) walking across the street. She was wearing a long skirt past her ankles, a little house on the prairie shirt, and a unique haircut. And thus began a little game I like to call “Polygamist or Hipster?” The exciting game where I must decide, is this poorly dressed smelly degenerate a person who listened to Arcade Fire before they were cool? Or are they a part of an inbreeding cult? I hate that this is something I have to do living in Utah.

Josh Powell: Allow me to bring you up to date. Two years ago, Susan Cox Powell was reported missing to Utah police. Her husband Josh Powell was a prime suspect from day one. Yes, the husband is almost always considered a suspect at first. But in a kidnapping? The police never found a body so they can’t exactly prove she was murdered. So where was Josh on the night of the abduction? Oh, just waking up his two children in the middle of the night to drive out into the desert to camp in near freezing temperatures (ya know, non-murderer guy stuff). In the past two years he has changed his story, moved to Washington state, and his father has been imprisoned on child pornography and voyeurism charges (You’re not hardcore unless you live hardcore). All signs show that Josh Powell murdered his wife, drove into the middle of the freezing desert at an ungodly hour with his children in the car, and buried her in a shallow grave. But it can’t be proven. And Josh Powell was never charged with the murder of his wife. The reason I’m talking about this now is because on Sunday Josh Powell took his kids from a social worker, hacked them in the neck and face with an ax, and killed himself by blowing up his house. People have been blaming a lot of different people. The social worker who delivered his children to him, the judge who allowed him to visit with his kids, the Utah Police department who didn’t charge him with murder… Most of the blame has been put on the police who didn’t charge.  But the people blaming the police are idiots. You have one chance to convict this son of a cunt or he walks away free. If you don’t have enough evidence (like… a fucking body) then the chances are slim that you can prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. I believe in the judicial system. I think it fucking sucks sometimes (Casey Anthony, O.J. Simpson, The West Memphis Three) but the alternative is people being sent to prison for the rest of their lives on a hunch. Due process is good thing. Unfortunately, it worked against the common good in this case. Josh Powell didn’t deserve to die this way. He deserved to be picked apart by rabid cats while his body is publically hanged in front of shit tossing monkeys. But my idea of justice is unfortunately frowned upon (Maybe not in this case).

Gay Marriage: Today, the piece of California legislation known as Proposition 8 (banning gay marriage) was deemed unconstitutional. And it should be. For a Utah liberal, this means one thing: FACEBOOK ASSHOLES!! Many people I’m friends with on Facebook are conservative, and like…really really really idiotic conservative. Rush Limbaugh conservative.  Fox News masturbator conservative. And now I get read all about how gay sex is unnatural, the majority’s vote doesn’t matter, and gays are going to hell. It’s time for another defriending spree as I refuse to read this hate fueled bullshit. Homosexual relationships between other animals have frequently been observed (Lesbian penguin on penguin action is fucking hott with two t’s). God created homosexuals, I’m sure he’s cool with them. Don’t worry (Plus separation of church and state). And finally, the majority’s vote doesn’t matter. Prop 8 was passed because the majority of people voted for it (yay discriminating democracy!) Yes, the majority voted for it. Does that make it right? Does every white person in the country have the right to pass a law saying blacks can’t use the carpool lane just because the majority says, “NOT ON MY HIGHWAY NIGGA!”? Can the Christian majority say, “Nah, you silly Jews. Since you killed Jesus you can’t shop at Bath and Body Works.”? (Romans killed Jesus btw).  The Jews have every right to shop at that assault of the senses. The majority can vote however they fucking want, but it doesn’t matter if what they voted for goes against the constitution. It doesn’t say, “Let dem queers marry” but it does say something along the lines of all men are created equal (I assume. Much like Congress I’ve never read the entire constitution). Enough of this silliness. The world isn’t going to end because a dude and another dude are banging each other with a marriage certificate on the wall.

Third Grade Complex: The male mind in 3^rd grade felt that the only way to tell a girl he liked her was to be a complete asshole (hit her in the head with this dirt clot then she’ll fuck you. Logic). Some believe this is why girls can be attracted to douchebags later in life. This is fucking stupid. I’m not being an asshole to you because I like you. I’m being an asshole to you because you are a fucking twat and I hate you. Grow up dipshit.

How My Work’s Bathroom Smells Right Now: A pungent aroma hits you in the face like a fucking right cross from Mohammad Ali (Before all the Parkinson’s stuff). This scent from the depths of Detroit is a fine mixture of rising bread in the oven, hair burning, pumpkin from a can, and a rotisserie chicken. All mixed with shit.